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Tips For Mayor Rob Ford: How To Go On A Grand Bender And Not Get Caught

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No matter where in the world you live, by now you’ve heard of Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford. Whether it’s swigging a mickey of Russian Prince Vodka in a park named after his Dad or stumbling around the Mayor’s office with a half full bottle of brandy, the man likes to party. But he got busted, and now he’s in hot water. It’s a rookie mistake. Here are some tips for Mayor Rob Ford on how to go on a grand bender — and not get caught.

1. If you’re lit, stay away from the office. No matter what you’re drinking, responsibility is a bad chaser.

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2. Are you the only one that’s trashed? Are you the centre of attention? And are people are egging you on? It might be that they’re laughing at you — not with you.

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3. Make sure no one is pointing their camera at you. Remember real friends don’t record their ‘besties’ during their most embarrassing moments.

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4. Whiskey breath is a dead giveaway for what you’ve been doing with your afternoons. Keep a pack of mints or eat something with lots of garlic to mask that smell.

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5. If you’re running around like a mad man (or dancing up a storm), you might sweat through that shirt of yours. Always have a back up wardrobe you can throw on in a pinch.

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6. If you are going to drink in public, put it in a Tim Horton’s cup. No one will suspect a thing. Oops … already got that one covered!

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7. Vodka is clear and doesn’t have a strong smell. You could fill up a water bottle and no one would be the wiser.

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8. Periodically call home and check in. You don’t want anyone out looking for you when you’re not ready to be found.

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9. Don’t get so blackout drunk that you’ll smoke anything that’s put in front of you.

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10. Know when to say when. If everyone is telling you you’ve gone too far and need some help, it’s best to listen.

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